When you are associated with someone, in any way, either a social relationship, a personal relationship, professional relationship, or romantic relationship, it is very important to set healthy boundaries and setting healthy boundary is not about being selfish or too much into yourself, it is Just a shield of the relationship, to nurture it, so that both the person can grow with it.
Hence, first, we will try to understand what a boundary is.
A boundary, in layman’s language, is a restriction that one can not trespass; it is true in this case as well, and boundaries are not a bad thing; it is very crucial to maintain your identity, mental health, and physical well-being.
Healthy boundaries in any relationship serve many purposes: they encourage autonomy and reduce codependency, give you and others a sense of empowerment and self-respect, and are a proven fact. Research in psychology also highlights the importance of healthy boundaries for mental health and emotional well-being.
If a person’s self-respect or self-worth is not in question, the relationship will last longer. That is why healthy boundaries are important, because without healthy boundaries, your relationship can become toxic and unsatisfying, and your well-being can suffer.
Boundaries are not just necessary in your personal relationships, though they are also needed in the workplace, where coworkers or managers might monopolize your time or disregard your needs. Unhealthy boundaries can also follow you home and reduce the quality of your personal life.
Setting healthy boundaries can improve both personal and professional life in many ways; therefore, we need to define what healthy and unhealthy boundaries are.
When it comes to setting healthy boundaries, there are several important types we should understand.
- Physical boundaries: It helps keep you comfortable and safe. It can be set everywhere, either in personal or professional life, for example, you can ask your siblings not to go through your wallet, or in the office, you can ask your colleague not to clutter your work station with their items.
- Sexual boundaries: Even though you are in a relationship for a longer time, you should make sure, your partner take your Consent every time, and understand your need and desire and act accordingly, such boundaries can also be set in Professional life, for example your colleague wants to hug you Every-time and you are not comfortable you can ask them that you prefer Just hand shake.
- Emotional boundaries: You should ensure that others are respectful towards your emotions. Every time you share Something they listen to you and validate your emotions. You should not allow anyone to dismiss your emotions. You should not let anyone do this, even as a joke.
- Material/time boundaries: you should always make sure you are never used or overexploited in any relationship, either in terms of time or money, for e.g your friend always asks for money from you, and sometimes you lend them, and by the end it is you who is chasing them and adjusting because your money is stuck. Also, let’s say in the office your boss always asks you to do overtime, you can tell them clearly No because it is slowly eating you from inside.
- Belief boundaries: Belief System is something on which your reality is made, belief System can be good or bad, it is a matter of discussion, with respect, but in any relationship you should not allow anyone to simply dismiss or make fun of your belief System, it is true belief System evolve or change with time as we acquire knowledge or get Exposed to life experience, but no one should dismiss your belief if he cannot teach you or show you path.
Healthy boundaries should not be rigid. They should be flexible, evolving with time, circumstances, and the emotional needs of the relationship.
For example, in the initial days of your relationship, you were at your best mental health, and you were too good, as a partner, emotionally available, understanding, and loving. Suddenly, you lost your parents and job simultaneously; here, you should shift your boundaries, and your partner should take it with love and affection.
What Do Unhealthy Boundaries Look Like?
- Emotionally Stiff Boundaries: You may be having a bad experience, and you become so defensive about protecting your emotions, which is why you keep your emotions shielded in front of everyone Even with your partner, and this is polluting you from within, like a drain starts stinking if it does not flow.
- Emotionally weak boundaries: Even in psychology, it is called emotional leakage. Let’s try to understand how it works. Let’s say you are close with your office colleague,and you overshare your personal life with them, but they are very practical, and they are just listening to you to collect information or gossip, not to validate your emotions, or maybe they can take advantage of your vulnerability. Now you think about where you landed, you got emotional damage, because you let it slip anywhere.
Why Do People Struggle to Set Healthy Boundaries?
There are many reasons, and they are all related to human Psychology.
1. Fear of rejection:- For example, you are under-confident in your work and let your boss over-exploit you.
2. Desire for Control: You are not allowing your partner to be free and feel the freedom in the relationship, because you want to control the person and the relationship.
We have understood different boundaries and their importance. Now we will see how to set boundaries without feeling guilty.
Why do we feel guilty after saying no?
This is deep-rooted in our Psychology; many of us were raised to believe that goodness looks like self-sacrifice, that holiness looks a lot like exhaustion, and that love looks like endless availability. But nowhere in Scripture are we told to become Emotional sponges for the world. Nowhere were we told that being led by guilt is the same thing as being led by God. In fact, it is a kind of Cultural Problem that teaches that if you are not giving more, you are failing. So when you begin to change, when you start protecting your time, when you decline requests, when you stop automatically saying yes, you feel like you are doing something wrong. But what you may actually be doing is stepping out of bondage. Let’s talk about the difference between conviction and condemnation because they are not the Same thing. The Holy Spirit convicts gently and specifically. He nudges. He invites. He corrects in love, and once you respond, the matter is settled. It’s over. But false guilt, false guilt is vague. It lingers. It accuses. It tells you that you are selfish and unkind to society.
And here is something we must be honest about. Some people, consciously or unconsciously, have learned that guilt works as a source of manipulation. They know if they say, “We were really counting on you, dear.” They can activate Something in you that makes you override your Own needs or your own calling, even your own health. It’s emotional manipulation, and it thrives on your inability to tolerate someone else’s disappointment. But think about this. You are not responsible for Everyone else’s emotions. You are not responsible for how everyone else feels. One of the freeing truths you can embrace at this stage of life is this. You are not responsible for managing everyone else’s feelings. If someone is disappointed because you say no, they are allowed to be disappointed. Your job is not to meet every need that presents itself. Your job is to be obedient. And sometimes obedience looks like no, or I don’t want to, hence be obedient towards your inner self and say no gracefully to all who try to trespass your boundaries of peace willingly.